John Bowyer

I want to share the story of one of the most profound days of my life.  A prominent author explained to be that if you want to be an effective writer, you need to have a target audience, a target individual that you want to share your story.  If you write for everyone, your message is watered down and you move no one.  Today, I want to share my story with those that

Don’t believe the power of God is shown in calls to action through seemingly random events

Don’t believe the power of Love is shown in our handling of the uncomfortable, unexpected and unfair

I first heard the “Hidden Cameras” a few weeks ago at a marriage of a friend in Toronto.  Last week, I watched the “Hidden Cameras” again in Atlanta who play what their leader Joel Gibb describes as “gay church folk music”.  I thought being a fan of this group would make some of my friends uncomfortable.  Yet, the group is good and stands for things that are right.  The group took a passionate stand for marriage, love and community involvement.  The hope and idealism they showed gave Joanna and I one of our best dates in years.  I stumbled upon the far left last week and learned a lot.   It really made me think those that focus on “their” literal interpretation of any work such as the Bible, Koran or US Constitution risks confusing what is incorrect with what is uncomfortable.  Unfortunately, bitterness and negatively judging others and even persecution can be quite comfortable if we feel it is “codified” in our belief system.  More importantly, the group and the wedding really made me think about the most important literary work in my life, “my marriage vows”.    Am I guilty of confusing what is comfortable with what is correct?

This week I had a similar experience outside my comfort zone on what some would call the far right.

I began a month long vacation to focus on balancing my life and strengthening my marriage this week.  To keep me on track Joanna created a daily check list magnet board (yes with colored stars blue for me, pink for her) on Sunday to set clear goals on what I needed to do create a fair balanced marriage.   Her expectations were fair and the list was short.  At the time, we gave no thought that this rebalancing plan began this Monday, 40 days before Christmas.

As the week progressed, I failed to truly commit to working on the marriage.  While I was taking time off and moving stars, I secretly tried to steer my vacation toward what I wanted, do the minimum to move a star and say I tried.  My commitment to leave my comfort zone of both actions and attitudes was barely there in word and deed.

Today, I had a personal doctor appointment downtown.  The entrance to the parking deck at the building was blocked so I had slow down sooner than normal to turn right into the deck through what is normally the exit.

Slam…… While at a total stop I was rear ended.  My head slammed forward.  I was disoriented.  As my thoughts cleared, I wanted to call the police but I had no phone.  I briefly looked at the ring of my mother’s that I wear on my right hand pinky finger.  I looked in the car for a pen I could not find one.  I got out of the car and looked up.  I trembled when I saw my car was directly beneath my mother condominium window, the condominium where she died.  I felt called by her presence and the presence of God.   The message seemed clear this wrong turn had a higher purpose.    

As I proceeded to my appointment waiting area, there was a group of guys talking and one brought up this movie fireproof.  When I came home, I kicked off a download of the movie.  I logged on to Face Book, and asked friends advice on how to best use the next three weeks to enjoy my time with Joanna.

I downloaded and watched the movie.  A key part of the movie is the love dare.  The dare is a 40 day commitment to improving your marriage.  Today I feel that the list was part of a higher calling for me and a quite direct answer to my questions on a path forward.

Day 1: Love is patient

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. —Ephesians 4:2 NIV

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret.

Day 2: Love is kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other —Ephesians 4:32

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Day 3: Love is not selfish

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It’s hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, “I was thinking of you today.”

Day 4: Love is thoughtful

How precious also are Your thoughts to me. . . .How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.  —Psalm 139:17–18

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

Day 5: Love is not rude

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. —Proverbs 27:14

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.

Day 6: Love is not irritable

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.  —Proverbs 16:32

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Day 7: Love believes the best

[Love] believes all things, hopes all things. —1 Corinthians 13:7

For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

Day 8: Love is not jealous

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. —Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discretely burn it.

Day 9: Love makes good impressions

Greet one another with a kiss of love. —1 Peter 5:14

Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

Day 10: Love is unconditional

God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. —Romans 5:8

Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse—something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen.

Day 11: Love cherishes

Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.—Ephesians 5:28

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you” and do it [...]

Day 12: Love lets the other win

Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. —Philippians 2:4

Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Day 13: Love fights fair

If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.—Mark 3:25

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Day 14: Love takes delight

Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life. —Ecclesiastes 9:9 HCSB

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they’d really like to work on. Just be together.

Day 15: Love is honorable

Live with your wives in an understanding way . . . and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life. —1 Peter 3:7

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her.

Day 16: Love intercedes

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. —3 John 2

Begin praying today for your spouse’s heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse’s life and in your marriage.

Day 17: Love promotes intimacy

He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends —Proverbs 17:9 NIV

Determine to guard your mate’s secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen

Day 18: Love seeks to understand

How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding.—Proverbs 3:13

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about.

Day 19: Love is impossible

Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God —1 John 4:7

Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart?  Ask God to show you where you stand with him?

Day 20: Love is Jesus Christ

While we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. —Romans 5:6

Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, “Lord Jesus, I’m a sinner. But You have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven power.

Day 21: Love is satisfied in God

The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire. —Isaiah 58:11

Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there are thirty-one—a full month’s supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John).  

Day 22: Love is faithful

I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord. —Hosea 2:20

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it.  Say, I love you period.  I choose to love you even if you don’t love me in return.

Day 23: Love always protects

[Love] always protects. —1 Corinthians 13:7 NIV

Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that’s stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.

Day 24: Love vs. Lust

The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. —1 John 2:17

End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you’ve swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it.  

Day 25: Love forgives

What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ. —2 Corinthians 2:10

Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to “forgive us our debts” each day, we must ask Him to help us

Day 26: Love is responsible

When you judge another, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things. —Romans 2:1 HCSB

Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God’s forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well.  

Day 27: Love encourages

Guard my soul and deliver me; do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You. —Psalm 25:20

Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it.  

Day 28: Love makes sacrifices

He laid down His life for us. We should also lay down our lives for our brothers. —1 John 3:16 HCSB

What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse’s life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part?  

Day 29: Love’s motivation

Render service with a good attitude, as to the Lord and not to men. —Ephesians 6:7 HCSB

Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say “I love you,” then express love to them in some tangible way.  

Day 30: Love brings unity

Father, keep them in Your name, the name which You have given Me, that they may be one even as We are. —John 17:11

Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it.  

Day 31: Love and marriage

A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. —Genesis 2:24

Is there a “leaving” issue you haven’t been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right.  

Day 32: Love meets sexual needs

The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. —1 Corinthians 7:3

If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your husband or wife today. Do this in a way that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need.

Day 33: Love completes each other

If two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? —Ecclesiastes 4:11

Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.  

Day 34: Love celebrates godliness

 [Love] does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. —1 Corinthians 13:6

Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way. Verbally commend them for this at some point today.

Day 35: Love is accountable

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. —Proverbs 15:22 NIV

Find a marriage mentor—someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you. If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment.  

Day 36: Love is God’s Word

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. —Psalm 119:105

Find a devotional book or other resource that will give you some guidance.  

Day 37: Love agrees in prayer

If two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father —Matthew 18:19

Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together. Talk about the best time to do this, whether it’s in the morning, your lunch hour, or before bedtime.  

Day 38: Love fulfills dreams

Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. —Psalm 37:4

Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can.

Day 39: Love endures

Love never fails. —1 Corinthians 13:8

Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse. Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what. Leave it in a place that your mate will find it.

Day 40: Love is a covenant

Where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. —Ruth 1:16

Write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home. Perhaps, if appropriate, you could make arrangements to formally renew your wedding vows.

There is so much fun to be found in a genuine smile and dance. 

 

A few weeks ago, Joanna and I really enjoyed the visit to Toronto for Carla and Trevor's wedding.  What inspiring event. 

 

Carla - Wow what a wedding and what a beautiful person.  Real stories and songs from some of the leaders of our generation on how and why to:

-  Write a book

-  Sing a song

-  Beat the odds

 

The band "the hidden cameras" played at the wedding.  Naomi Klein was a brides maid.

  

We all danced at the wedding as they sang "ban marriage".  So ironic and funny.  What label can you put on that much fun!

 

Joanna and I enjoyed ourselves so much at the wedding we went and saw "The Hidden Cameras" tonight at "The Earl" in Atlanta. 

 

What a great time.

 

Tonight was a great time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was recently struck by a conversation with a high energy/ high frustration colleague.  The person was passionate, ambitious and meticulously concerned about doing the right thing.  In large amounts, these ingredients almost always lead to frustrations that cloud our judgment and limit our flexibility. 

 

Listening to my friend, I was struck by how easy it is to get caught up on being right even when everyone else is wrong.  Winning an argument or proving that you are smarter than your boss, your client or your spouse leads to Pyhrric victories at best.  Americans have always felt a strong sense of justice about the ability for groups to hold individuals accountable.  In reality, group behavior is often stupid.  From slavery to stock market bubbles, most folks would rather fit in and be wrong than spark a confrontation.

 

If being right were popular, why would it be called critical thinking?  When a person is right and everyone else is wrong, the best course action is usually for the individual to focus on presenting options that their audience will adopt as their own.

 

Criticizing leads to bad karma.

 

Good karma and good luck go hand and hand. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It seems like I don't stop to smell the roses here.  So I will start this blog on a positive note,
Joanna still loves me

It's football season

Unfortunately even those two are at odds.  Hmmf. 

 

Usually, I take pride in trying to treat people the way I want to be treated.  Unfortunately, my success in that regard has been limited lately.  In my efforts to please others, I have found myself overcommitted.  The "No" word has been quite elusive.   It is easy to blame this situation on others.  Person x put me here, ....  Person y would be better.   Health, work, family, pets, everythings seems to require prioritization.  The fact is you can't make someone else happy.  This is particularly true, if you are not smilling yourself.

 

My mantra has been that I want stability and predictability from others.  I am finding out that what I really need is stability and predictability from myself.  Life dumps a lot on all of us.  The best prioritize their way out of it while placing themselves somewhere in the priority list.

 

I have been with Joanna since the 80s so I don't really know much about dating.     Choosing partners in other parts of life seems to be a little like dating.   You put on an image.  They put on an image.  Times gets tough and sooner or later, our true selves show up. 

 

No one makes us say "yes".  It is quite unfair, to say "yes" to two people in the hopes that we can bifurcate.  Of course, I could ask Harry, my identical twin, to stand in for me.  I have even resorted to recruiting friends lately.  However, I have never had much luck telling them what to do.  Additionally, my brother and friends grapple with these same issues.

 

Yes, computers crash, work has politics, vendors oversell,...., but

 

There are lots of beaches and bike paths, frisbee dogs are awesome and football is something grownups are allowed to be passionate about.

 

Sometimes, the only way to fix the problem between the chair and the keyboard is to stop thinking about the chair or the keyboard for a little while.

  

We had to put our dog to sleep this morning.  I wrote earlier this week about the generalities of change in our life, but sometimes the world gets quite specific with us.  After my Mom, Evelyn, was diagnosed with Cancer, she died.   After my Lasik surgery at Emory Vision with Dr. Rieser, I lost the better part of my vision in my right eye.  After my dog, Edie, was diagnosed with a degenerative nerve disease she lost the ability to walk and we had to put her to sleep.  My brother... My father... Joanna's sister...  I am sure we all have long lists.

 

As my Mom told me before she died, there is a lot of pain in life, but misery is optional.

Change is hard.  It is often easier to think or discuss changes than to make them.  I have seen many smart educated Americans unhappily struggle in uncomfortable surroundings discussing their problems more often than acting to resolve them.  I have also witnessed relatively uneducated immigrants come to America embrace uncomfortable surroundings and turn them into prosperous opportunities. 

 

A mentor that I respect a great deal noted that the three best determinants of whether someone will shine through dim surroundings and make a change are as follows:

 

1.  The person's level of dissatisfaction with the current situation

2.  The person's desire for a better situation

3.  The person's willingness to improve their situation through making changes

 

Ben Stein who I personally find easier to read than to listen to, put it this way, "The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life: decide what you want."  Opportunity and the right time for action are most often a matter of a perspective. 

Honesty is not politically correct in corporate America. Corporate America loves nice people. Executives love simplicity. These facts translate into some frustratingly common situations. Status reports and meeting notes seldom reflect the reality of a situation. This is particularly true for the standard middle manager who just wants to make it to the weekend giving the impression that expectations are met.  George Carlin put it this way, "By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."

People want to hear good things. I worked for a short time in software sales. I was amazed at how effective sales people knew little or nothing about their products. Sales people study people not products. More importantly - sales people know it is easier to be overly optimistic when you don't know the details.

There is an expression that defines bad company as - Someone who tells you how he feels when you ask him. A key ingredient of success is positioning yoursef to avoid failure. People do blame the messenger.

Many engineers wonder why their managers have nontechnical backgrounds. These managers are often proud that they don't know the details. If something goes wrong on their project they will usually seek to assign blame. Smiling is often the best form of CYA. Explaining the facts is almost always a bad idea. It is not that management does not know - lt is usually a case that management does not want to know.